Update: my mom died.

Some things I've been thinking about recently

Hello hello, this is Valkyrie. If you’re used to seeing my newsletters or updates in a different format, that’s because it has been in a different format. I’ve recently switched to Substack after being weirdly against it for the last couple years. I think it may have been a fear of being like everyone else, like using another platform could have changed that and brought something newer. But that’s beside the point.

But now, things are definitely different. As if the universe was playing the worst fucking April Fool’s prank on my family, my mom passed away on the first of the month. She died in my arms surrounded by family after being on hospice care for three weeks. For those of you who don’t know, she battled gastric cancer for 11 months and it turns out, it had progressed too much from the time we caught it.

It’s been a month and a half since then and I’ve been working and talking to her and my mind always comes to the question of why. I wrote this article and reflected on what it meant to have someone die of cancer before it happened. I spoke about how it’s something we hear in movies and doesn’t feel like it could ever happen to us until it does. I recently watched Hank Green’s video about having been diagnosed with lymphoma, an equally entertaining and serious watch, and he says something that I relate with so strongly, “It’s an identity that I’m having thrust upon me.” This feeling that I am no longer Valkyrie, the young climate founder or obsessive health addict or the loving partner and friend. I’m Valkyrie, the girl who lost her mom to cancer.

And I don’t want to be that girl but recently, that’s what occupies my mind. I’m battling wanting to talk to my mom and remember her with wanting to just forget anything happened so I don’t cry and become upset. I know it will get to the point where I don’t automatically think of her as gone when I start reminiscing and I don’t know when that will happen.

I want to end with something uplifting and I think the only uplifting thing that I can think of is that I’m better than I was and I will continue to get better. I’m down to only having 2-3 breakdowns about it a week on average (although the last week or so has been particularly hard) and I can say the same about my family. We have each other and I’m forever grateful.

Here’s the last thing I’ll say: the longer I live, the more my motto in life proves to be true. Most people know that my mantra is “you’re not special” and that means a lot to me. That’s gotten me out of a depression, an eating disorder, many tough times. And in an experience like this, you can think the opposite and my mind still goes there first thing. Why is this happening to me? How is this even possible? But in my mom’s last couple weeks, I talked to old teachers and friends and mentors who had lost their mothers to cancer and other various circumstances. And as horrible as it is, there are people that understand. And those people are all incredible humans that continue to make the world so much better. I have hope for me and for Hank Green and for everyone.

So that’s the update. This may have been repetitive for those who know me and talk on a regular basis so I apologize. This was meant to address the majority of those I’ve formed relationships with and inform. If you want updates about the company specifically and my professional life, you can subscribe to the Faura Newsletter (those come every two weeks and are far less depressing).

I want my updates and newsletters to be a place to dump my most concentrated thoughts and things I think about. I recently went on a run in a nearby park and noticed a ton of elderly folks sitting on benches alone, just watching the world pass by. And to some extent, I want to slow down and just write things I’m thinking about every now and then. This newsletter won’t be anything I strictly set up, just another outlet for smaller posts. If you want longer-form content, my medium is the perfect place (slightly shameless plug).

I hope this gave you some insight into my life. It probably wasn’t enjoyable to read and that’s okay. Thank you and I’ll write something uplifting soon. :)